Do you remember the movie Cast Away? Tom Hanks plays Chuck Noland, who is seemingly obsessed with time and constantly works on a tight schedule. His schedule, however, is thrown away when he solely survives a plane crash and must learn to survive and escape an abandoned island.
Cast Away is one of my all-time favorite movies. Not only does it highlight the skills of one of my favorite actors, but it also shows the strengths, downfalls, and weaknesses of humankind – three things that utterly fascinate me.
If you had told me ten years ago that I would move to an isolated desert property to live in extreme introversion, I would have been excited and frustrated that I would have to wait so long. Unlike the main character in Cast Away, the concept of time has always been anxiety-inducing for me. The thought of smashing my watch and living apart from the dictation of those big and little hands that count down the hours in the day is a dream. I would wish for solitude on an abandoned island without ever really thinking through the negative ramifications. My teenaged self could not have comprehended the necessary survival skills, panic attacks, loneliness, and widespread fear that comes from living outside of typical societal norms.
After spending the last three years predominately in isolation, I am simply not the same person that I used to be. In the past, I could join in the loud and chaotic conversations over Marvel movies, UFC, desserts, pizza, and anything else that might come up. I was not hindered by anything other than my own nervous system needing a temporary break from stimuli.
As I anticipate a large family get-together this weekend, I am overwhelmed with the realization that I do not have the same capability to engage in the noise and chaos as I did before. I no longer have a desire to buy sugary drinks from coffee shops. I seem to have lost my ability to sit in front of the television and watch a 1.5 hour movie in one sitting. I become overwhelmed in conversations in which multiple people are participating. I am not the same person that I used to be, and I find myself in need of new coping strategies to control the anxiety that takes over me when faced with situations that used to be common, every day occurrences for me.
Over the last few days, I have been deeply contemplating this reality, and it did truly take a few days for me to figure out why I am struggling with returning to my old home for Easter weekend, but I think I have finally pinpointed the issue. The vast amount of changes that have occurred in the last three years are overwhelming. While time slowed down for me, it seems to have sped up for everyone else. It is as though I no longer understand this world around me because it differs greatly from the life Paul and I have created.
Things change and life goes on regardless of what we expect or desire. Time will not stop just because I separated myself from the fast-paced rush and loud noises of the city.
Re-watching this movie, I realized that I do, in many ways, feel like I have been cast away. While this was largely my own choice, and I do not regret the choices we have made, I also do not fully understand my place in this world anymore.
Time keeps moving forward even if we dig in our heels and strive to stay put. I will never again be the loudest person at the party. I will not get up and initiate dancing to the Cha Cha Slide. My stomach has shrunk and I eat like a bird, regardless of whether I am at a feast. I cry from hugs, instantly notice the sadness in peoples' eyes, become overwhelmed by crowds larger than three, and will most certainly wander away at times to find a quiet moment to help calm the sea of emotions inside of me.
"I know what I have to do now. I've got to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring."
- Chuck Noland
Like Chuck Noland, I went away and have come back an entirely different person with a very new perspective on life and the world around me.
It is easy for my naturally negative mindset to find the sadness in the differences and miss the way things were before we started our adventure. However, limiting myself to painful experiences and emotions is not something I am interested in doing. The world is different, but that may very well be the best change for my personal growth. I appreciate the little blessings more than I ever did previously. Eating a piece of fruit is now one of the most special experiences - I no longer take apples, peaches, or pears for granted. I do not tolerate simplicity, I welcome it with open arms.
It is not a weakness to live differently, nor is it bad to be changed by culture shocks and trauma. We live, we learn, and we move forward. We are never fully cast away, and even when we feel as though we are alone, we can always have hope for tomorrow.
I do not know if I will ever be able to return to the fast-paced, high-energy life I lived before. I am not the person I was when we moved away three years ago. But I am here, I am learning, and I will navigate these thoughts and emotions into each new adventure as it comes. I am not cast away, and I will make it through this.
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